Before we left, we acclimated, and now it's time to decompress.

It's officially been 12 days since Passion ended, and I still find myself overwhelmed and unable to comprehend what happened in the four short days at the dome. We took worship and incorporated it into every minute of those four days. It was an experience like no other.

My core was wrecked in ways I thought not imaginable.

I can't even explain the experience. I know that comes largely from the fact that God was present. It was a feeling of peace like I've never felt. It's one I've carried back home.

A favorite session was the afternoon where the speakers led us in worship through reading scripture. We read through Ephesians together. It was incredible to hear God speak. I definitely need to be meditating in the Word more frequently. Its amazing to see what you can learn when you simply take the time to sit and listen and take yourself out of the picture.

I'm still working at coming up with the courage to follow through on some of the decisions I said I would make while I was there. 

I'm still finding myself consumed with the words of Christine Caine and have a renowned hunger for fighting for justice. I can't understand how slavery still is in existence. I mean this is something I have known for quite some time, but when we were watching the freedom film, it hit me like a brick.

I idolized Harriet Tubman and Corrie Ten Boom when I was young-I wanted to be someone who was leading the charge and making a difference. I'm not sure what happened to that desire. But the coals have been turned over and the fire has roared back to life.

September 11, 2011 

It’s common knowledge that ten years ago, on September 11, 2001, cowards attacked our nation. I was in art class when the planes hit. I was in science class when the towers fell. It didn’t make much sense at the time, as many teachers were instructed not to let students see the televisions. The principal came on air and explained what had happened, but it didn’t sink in. I was ten, and couldn’t wait to see my friends at lunch.

I came home and saw my mom glued to the television. I saw the news as well- the planes hitting the towers, the Pentagon smouldering, and a blackened field in Pennsylvania, but it didn’t click. I saw the devastation on the television, read it in the newspaper headlines and magazines, and heard it on the radio, but it didn’t sink in to my mind like it should have. It was like reading about the Titanic.

In all honesty, it wasn’t until I had the honor of visiting Ground Zero a little over a year and a half after the attacks that its severity hit home. Countless names who fought against the terrorists by digging through the rubble to save lives while risking theirs were listed. The signs which listed the names of the dead seemed to cover the length of the block.

The memories that I formed from the tragedy of September 11 are not those of men and women jumping from the 95th floor of the World Trade Center, the smell of death, or the fear of another attack. These memories were ingrained from countless newscasts and history lessons throughout the past decade.

I had the blessing of viewing our nation’s worst attack through the eyes of a child. Rather than the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, I remember our nation standing in unity. I remember firemen collecting money to fill the ambulance with extra supplies before they headed to Ground Zero. I remember flags on every porch. I idolized the men and women on Flight 93. I recognized the significance of men and women joining the military and fighting for my freedom. Most importantly, I remember learning the true cost of my freedoms and what it truly mean to be an American citizen.

Today, I view September 11 in a new light. When I see the footage of black smoke rushing through the streets of NYC, hear recorded shrieks of those fearing death, watch men and women chose their fate and jumped from the World Trade Center, and the smouldering field in Pennsylvania, my stomach turns, my heart drops, and chills encase my body. It is the men and women who worked so hard to evacuate the buildings and search through the rubble that bring ease my heart, and comfort my nerves.

The terrorist attacks in New York City, Washington, D.C., and Shanksville, Pennsylvania affected not only our country, but our world. It is our nation’s resilience to these attacks- the men and women who ran into the burning buildings to save co-workers, those on Flight 93 who gave their lives to save others, men and women who lined up to donate blood and raise funds to help with recovery efforts, the soldiers who were willing to act on difficult commands by their officers that day, and the men and women who are serving overseas today which makes me proud to be an American.

Self Abuse

I’ve realized recently that I still have leaps and bounds to go before I can say that I’ve recovered from self injury. Who knew that cutting was a gateway drug? It has lead to binging, purging, scratching through layers of skin, forbidding myself to take medicine when necessary, and so many other things. I’ve denied myself opportunities to succeed and programmed my mind to produce negative thoughts. Even though I don’t smoke or drink, I’ve done just as much (if not more) damage to myself.

It’s embarrassing to think that I’ve allowed myself to live the past five years of my life like this. Keep in mind, that I’ve slowly turned away from self injury and abuse, but it takes time for the damage to fade and my body to heal. I’m so ready to be done hating myself. It’s time to look in the mirror and not be repulsed by what I see. It’s time to stop defining myself by my successes and failures.

I know that this is not an easy road. But I know it’s one I won’t have to face alone. All my life, I’ve been surrounded by people who love me. I’ve got people who love me for me, who want to see me healthy and want to see me succeed.

I hear that anorexia is a life long battle. I think that the same thought processes that come with anorexia accompany self-injury and binge/purging. I guess that this will be a life long battle, but here’s to day one. To fighting negative thoughts and the desire to mar my body. Here’s to reclaiming God’s creation and living a healthy life.

Here’s to restoration.

Father's Day

I always find myself filled with mixed emotions on days like today. Holidays that celebrate our families often bring up bad memories and heartache. I know in my head that I'm supposed to forgive, but sometimes the hatred that I've allowed to fester inside my heart controls my thoughts. This is a battle I'm always fighting to win. It's a tool satan uses to take me down quickly. It's how I succumb to my earthly wishes.

Thankfully God is continuing to break down the concrete walls I've built up around my heart and is freeing me from the hatred that has coursed through my veins. The road towards forgiveness is not easy, but I can testify that it is worth the grueling work. There are days when I'm sick of fighting to control my emotions, but I know I never want to go back to living a life dictated by hatred and depression.

This video nearly had me in tears as I felt my embraced by my Daddy's loving arms. I know I'll never have idyllic childhood memories of a father. It's moments like this where I'm filled with His presence that make my heart long for the day when I can sing, dance, and laugh with my heavenly Father on streets of gold. 

For now, I wait, with a thankful heart to have friends who remind me of His love for me.

Mother's Day

Mother's day has always been a hard holiday to celebrate. I've never had a close relationship with my Mom, and sometimes it seems like each day adds new strain. There is a lot that factors into this, but Her bipolar disorder plays a strong role. It's probably stating the obvious, but the way she treats me is dependent on Her mood. I realized today that the way I love her is reflective of how she treats me. Obviously, this is NOT love. God has revealed this to me in several ways, but verse 4 through 13 of 1 Corinthians 13 has been my greatest "resource": 

No matter what I say, what I believe and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up. Love cares for others more than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut. Doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first". It doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't reveal when others grovel, it takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, but keeps going until the end.

         Love never dies. (The Message) 

I don't know about you, but that passage wrecked me. All this time, I told myself that I loved my mom, but the sad truth is that I really didn't. I would be loving towards my mom if she was in an upswing. I would always take into consideration of how she had treated me that morning, or what she might had said to me the prior night. This was two strikes in one: Love doesn't keep score of the sins of others and it puts up with anything. I was more concerned with my feelings than loving her. Boy, does that sound self absorbed or what? 

When we would spend time together and she'd get upset about something, I'd be wishing that God had given me a "normal" mom like my friends had. Strike two: Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Strike three? Love never gives up. I'm ashamed to think of the times I've walked away from a conversation with my Mom because I couldn't deal with her craziness at the moment. 

After writing this, I realized a couple of things. I guess hadn't realized that I  have been a self-absorbed brat. But most importantly, if I am not loving my own Mom the way God has commanded me to love, how am I treating everyone else I come into contact with?!? 

Today my Pastor spoke about how we are to honor our mothers and fathers. This isn't something that God said to do because He thought it was a good idea-it's one of His commandments! 

I know that there are tough days to come with my Mom,  but I now will be facing them with a new mind set and a fresh pair of days. With God's view of love towards my Mom, I believe-actually, I know-that we will be able to mend our relationship. Over the years, I have found comfort in knowing that God will never forsake me even if the whole world abandons me. This isn't something I'm making up-we are told this multiple times in the Bible. It blows my mind to know that God's love is the epitome of the love discussed in 1 Corinthians. He loves us so much that He sent His Son to die for our sins. God's love never fails.

 

Day 3:Life

So many things are happening at this moment it’s ridiculous. Cray Cray doesn’t even come close to describing it. I shared that I am in the process of applying for YWAM and I’m going to follow through with that. On Monday I received a possible job offer that would start in the fall that is 100% in line with my passion of serving God by working with teenagers. I’m not sure which path I’m supposed to take. I know that God told me to apply to YWAM, so I’m going to apply to YWAM, but what if I’m supposed to stay here? It’s so frustrating/nerve racking/exciting/scary, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be living my life in the months to come.

I have about a month left of living where I am before I have to find somewhere else to live and I know that I have to give all of my life to God. I don’t know why I am okay-ish in giving Him my future plans and dreams, but not in giving Him my present life. I do know that I am supposed to surrender my past, present, and future to Him. So often I tell myself that I am giving everything to God, but I hold on to a few bits of my life. I’m not sure why. The things which I try to keep are only pieces to the puzzle, which cannot be separated from the other pieces or it cannot be completed. If I can’t give all the parts to God, I’ll never see the masterpiece. I know this. I guess I just need to start trusting in Him more than I have before and start surrendering to Him. I challenged my teens tonight to stop being lukewarm, and I guess this is where I stop being lukewarm myself.

Day two: Double Dose


I don’t know about you, but I’m really good at complaining.  Sometimes there are situations where it is appropriate to complain, like when you receive poor service at a restaurant,  or you disagree with your elected officials. Unfortunately most of my complaining comes in the form of whining, especially when God doesn’t answer my prayers they way I expect.  Lately I’ve been complaining about how it seems like my life is not the one God promised me, or what I thought He would have promised.  As I was doing my devotions this week, I discovered that my outlook on life was similar to that of the Israelites as they were wandering in the desert.

I had to go back a few chapters to read the background since it’s been a while since I’ve heard the story of Moses and the Israelites, but I learned that God led them by a cloud. At some point in their journey, God entered the cloud and heard the complaints of the Israelites. The adjectives tired and hungry don’t even begin to describe how they were feeling, but those were some of their complaints. God decided to give them the food that they needed, and used it as an opportunity to see if the Israelites were truly following His commands. Exodus 16 tells us how it went down.

“God said to Moses, “I’m going to rain bread down from the skies for you. The people will go out and gather each day’s ration. I’m going to test them to see if they’ll live according to my Teaching or not. On the sixth day, when they prepare what they have gathered, it will turn out to be twice as much as their daily ration…
That evening quail flew in and covered the camp and in the morning there was a layer of dew all over the camp. When the layer of dew had lifted, there on the wilderness ground was a fine flaky something, fine as frost on the ground. The Israelites took one look and said to one another, man-hu (What is it?). They had no idea what it was.So Moses told them, “It’s the bread God has given you to eat. And these are God’s instructions: ‘Gather enough for each person, about two quarts per person; gather enough for everyone in your tent.’”
The People of Israel went to work and started gathering, some more, some less, but when they measured out what they had gathered, those who gathered more had no extra and those who gathered less weren’t short—each person had gathered as much as was needed.
Moses said to them, “Don’t leave any of it until morning.”  But they didn’t listen to Moses. A few of the men kept back some of it until morning. It got wormy and smelled bad. (Verses 4-5, 13-20, The Message.)

At this point in the story, Moses is ticked! The Israelites ask God to provide , yet they still disobey His commands even though He has provided so much! It was this part of the story that hit home with me. There have been countless times that God has provided for me, and instead of thanking Him, I’ve slapped Him in the face. Rather than being content with what the creator of the universe has provided, I know I’ve complained that it wasn’t enough and sought after that second helping of blessings. Here’s my favorite part of the story-God still shows His love and provides! Check it out:

Moses said, “This is God’s command: ‘Keep a two-quart jar of it, an omer, for future generations so they can see the bread that I fed you in the wilderness after I brought you out of Egypt.’”Moses told Aaron, “Take a jar and fill it with two quarts of manna. Place it before God, keeping it safe for future generations.”
Aaron did what God commanded Moses. He set it aside before The Testimony to preserve it.
The Israelites ate the manna for forty years until they arrived at the land where they would settle down. They ate manna until they reached the border into Canaan. (Verses 32-35, The Message.)

Too often I find myself complaining when I can’t see how life’s chapters are going to end. Like the Israelites, I want God to meet my needs instantly. My desire for instantaneous blessings often causes me to miss out on the gifts God has already given me. I think part of this comes from living in a culture that seeks instant gratification. As Christians we are called to stand apart from our world, and this is just one part of that. I hope that you are able to see how God has poured His blessings into your life, even in the midst of trying times.