Father's Day

I always find myself filled with mixed emotions on days like today. Holidays that celebrate our families often bring up bad memories and heartache. I know in my head that I'm supposed to forgive, but sometimes the hatred that I've allowed to fester inside my heart controls my thoughts. This is a battle I'm always fighting to win. It's a tool satan uses to take me down quickly. It's how I succumb to my earthly wishes.

Thankfully God is continuing to break down the concrete walls I've built up around my heart and is freeing me from the hatred that has coursed through my veins. The road towards forgiveness is not easy, but I can testify that it is worth the grueling work. There are days when I'm sick of fighting to control my emotions, but I know I never want to go back to living a life dictated by hatred and depression.

This video nearly had me in tears as I felt my embraced by my Daddy's loving arms. I know I'll never have idyllic childhood memories of a father. It's moments like this where I'm filled with His presence that make my heart long for the day when I can sing, dance, and laugh with my heavenly Father on streets of gold. 

For now, I wait, with a thankful heart to have friends who remind me of His love for me.

Mother's Day

Mother's day has always been a hard holiday to celebrate. I've never had a close relationship with my Mom, and sometimes it seems like each day adds new strain. There is a lot that factors into this, but Her bipolar disorder plays a strong role. It's probably stating the obvious, but the way she treats me is dependent on Her mood. I realized today that the way I love her is reflective of how she treats me. Obviously, this is NOT love. God has revealed this to me in several ways, but verse 4 through 13 of 1 Corinthians 13 has been my greatest "resource": 

No matter what I say, what I believe and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up. Love cares for others more than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut. Doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first". It doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't reveal when others grovel, it takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, but keeps going until the end.

         Love never dies. (The Message) 

I don't know about you, but that passage wrecked me. All this time, I told myself that I loved my mom, but the sad truth is that I really didn't. I would be loving towards my mom if she was in an upswing. I would always take into consideration of how she had treated me that morning, or what she might had said to me the prior night. This was two strikes in one: Love doesn't keep score of the sins of others and it puts up with anything. I was more concerned with my feelings than loving her. Boy, does that sound self absorbed or what? 

When we would spend time together and she'd get upset about something, I'd be wishing that God had given me a "normal" mom like my friends had. Strike two: Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Strike three? Love never gives up. I'm ashamed to think of the times I've walked away from a conversation with my Mom because I couldn't deal with her craziness at the moment. 

After writing this, I realized a couple of things. I guess hadn't realized that I  have been a self-absorbed brat. But most importantly, if I am not loving my own Mom the way God has commanded me to love, how am I treating everyone else I come into contact with?!? 

Today my Pastor spoke about how we are to honor our mothers and fathers. This isn't something that God said to do because He thought it was a good idea-it's one of His commandments! 

I know that there are tough days to come with my Mom,  but I now will be facing them with a new mind set and a fresh pair of days. With God's view of love towards my Mom, I believe-actually, I know-that we will be able to mend our relationship. Over the years, I have found comfort in knowing that God will never forsake me even if the whole world abandons me. This isn't something I'm making up-we are told this multiple times in the Bible. It blows my mind to know that God's love is the epitome of the love discussed in 1 Corinthians. He loves us so much that He sent His Son to die for our sins. God's love never fails.

 

Day 3:Life

So many things are happening at this moment it’s ridiculous. Cray Cray doesn’t even come close to describing it. I shared that I am in the process of applying for YWAM and I’m going to follow through with that. On Monday I received a possible job offer that would start in the fall that is 100% in line with my passion of serving God by working with teenagers. I’m not sure which path I’m supposed to take. I know that God told me to apply to YWAM, so I’m going to apply to YWAM, but what if I’m supposed to stay here? It’s so frustrating/nerve racking/exciting/scary, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be living my life in the months to come.

I have about a month left of living where I am before I have to find somewhere else to live and I know that I have to give all of my life to God. I don’t know why I am okay-ish in giving Him my future plans and dreams, but not in giving Him my present life. I do know that I am supposed to surrender my past, present, and future to Him. So often I tell myself that I am giving everything to God, but I hold on to a few bits of my life. I’m not sure why. The things which I try to keep are only pieces to the puzzle, which cannot be separated from the other pieces or it cannot be completed. If I can’t give all the parts to God, I’ll never see the masterpiece. I know this. I guess I just need to start trusting in Him more than I have before and start surrendering to Him. I challenged my teens tonight to stop being lukewarm, and I guess this is where I stop being lukewarm myself.

Day two: Double Dose


I don’t know about you, but I’m really good at complaining.  Sometimes there are situations where it is appropriate to complain, like when you receive poor service at a restaurant,  or you disagree with your elected officials. Unfortunately most of my complaining comes in the form of whining, especially when God doesn’t answer my prayers they way I expect.  Lately I’ve been complaining about how it seems like my life is not the one God promised me, or what I thought He would have promised.  As I was doing my devotions this week, I discovered that my outlook on life was similar to that of the Israelites as they were wandering in the desert.

I had to go back a few chapters to read the background since it’s been a while since I’ve heard the story of Moses and the Israelites, but I learned that God led them by a cloud. At some point in their journey, God entered the cloud and heard the complaints of the Israelites. The adjectives tired and hungry don’t even begin to describe how they were feeling, but those were some of their complaints. God decided to give them the food that they needed, and used it as an opportunity to see if the Israelites were truly following His commands. Exodus 16 tells us how it went down.

“God said to Moses, “I’m going to rain bread down from the skies for you. The people will go out and gather each day’s ration. I’m going to test them to see if they’ll live according to my Teaching or not. On the sixth day, when they prepare what they have gathered, it will turn out to be twice as much as their daily ration…
That evening quail flew in and covered the camp and in the morning there was a layer of dew all over the camp. When the layer of dew had lifted, there on the wilderness ground was a fine flaky something, fine as frost on the ground. The Israelites took one look and said to one another, man-hu (What is it?). They had no idea what it was.So Moses told them, “It’s the bread God has given you to eat. And these are God’s instructions: ‘Gather enough for each person, about two quarts per person; gather enough for everyone in your tent.’”
The People of Israel went to work and started gathering, some more, some less, but when they measured out what they had gathered, those who gathered more had no extra and those who gathered less weren’t short—each person had gathered as much as was needed.
Moses said to them, “Don’t leave any of it until morning.”  But they didn’t listen to Moses. A few of the men kept back some of it until morning. It got wormy and smelled bad. (Verses 4-5, 13-20, The Message.)

At this point in the story, Moses is ticked! The Israelites ask God to provide , yet they still disobey His commands even though He has provided so much! It was this part of the story that hit home with me. There have been countless times that God has provided for me, and instead of thanking Him, I’ve slapped Him in the face. Rather than being content with what the creator of the universe has provided, I know I’ve complained that it wasn’t enough and sought after that second helping of blessings. Here’s my favorite part of the story-God still shows His love and provides! Check it out:

Moses said, “This is God’s command: ‘Keep a two-quart jar of it, an omer, for future generations so they can see the bread that I fed you in the wilderness after I brought you out of Egypt.’”Moses told Aaron, “Take a jar and fill it with two quarts of manna. Place it before God, keeping it safe for future generations.”
Aaron did what God commanded Moses. He set it aside before The Testimony to preserve it.
The Israelites ate the manna for forty years until they arrived at the land where they would settle down. They ate manna until they reached the border into Canaan. (Verses 32-35, The Message.)

Too often I find myself complaining when I can’t see how life’s chapters are going to end. Like the Israelites, I want God to meet my needs instantly. My desire for instantaneous blessings often causes me to miss out on the gifts God has already given me. I think part of this comes from living in a culture that seeks instant gratification. As Christians we are called to stand apart from our world, and this is just one part of that. I hope that you are able to see how God has poured His blessings into your life, even in the midst of trying times.

Day One: An Introduction. 

"Protein shakes are for the weak. I just shove a bunch of meat into a blender and drink it."

I know I did an introduction already on here, and it's lame/cliche, but forgive me. I've been up since 5:30 and have T-minus 42 minutes to get this thing up on the internet so I'm not behind on the first day. (EEK!) To be honest, this post is probably a decent representation of my time management skills. If it's not a life or death task/ responsibility and something that's more fun comes up, I choose the more fun option. Example: Tonight I  chose to go to a local college with some of the teens from Ignite for an open gym night and it was a blast. The speaker was a local pastor, and he was PHENOMENAL. His brief message was about how our experiences right now are preparing us for future ministry opportunities. Also: I love that he emphasized so much on the fact that God loves everyone, no matter their past.

Now you've learned two important facts about me: I procrastinate and I'm really good at rambling. I think I've already mentioned in previous posts about my passion for Jesus and plan to spend my life working with teens in some fashion. 

I got lost finding my way to the temporary employment service that I started with today. I ended up in a seriously seedy part of town. Are you doubting its seediness? I was at that point of frustration where I believed that I was going to miss my meeting when I saw a gas station about half a block away. My relief was temporary-as I neared the gas station, I discovered that it hadn't been one for a while and had been replaced by a limo rental service/ drug dealer hangout. Let's just say I picked up my pace and headed back to my starting place to get a fresh perspective. Oh, and some guy seriously started that I'mgonnamugyouwalk, you know the one where they're walking a totally normal pace and then they notice you and they start walking super quickly. Yeah. Thankfully I wasn't mugged!

What else is there to say? Hmmmm...I start a new job on Monday. That should be fun. I also have a slight tumblr addiction, but I figure I'm not the only one. I also post on Saturdays on a blog called Stones on Our Path. My posts make more sense there. 

I honestly can't think of anything else to say, so with three minutes to spare I say farewell!

PS: I'm not allowed to post titles. Does anyone know how to fix this? 

The Pain of Growing Up. 

So I’ve been looking for a job for a long time. A LOOOOONG time. Today I finally got a call from a local temp agency letting me know that they have a job for me that can start on Monday. Which is awesome. It’s totally an answer to prayer. But here’s the thing-I have to stop volunteering at the K-5 program I help with on Wednesday afternoons. This honestly breaks my heart.  I have a group of nine kids and we are totally at that part in the school year where we all mesh and get along. Three of my kids have memorized enough verses to get a t-shirt! And the others are SO CLOSE. I’ll have to leave them with no notice if I take this job.

Wild Wednesday is not one of those things that I do because I feel like I need to make a better resume, or fill up my time while I’m waiting for the next thing in life. It’s one of my passions. These kids LOVE Jesus. The kids who aren’t Christians love Jesus and they don’t even realize it. It is amazing to see God working through this ministry. We have a huge group of kids that attend the program. Awesome doesn’t even begin to describe it.

 I know that taking this job will give me new opportunities to witness and I’ll still have Ignite in the evening, and Fab Friday events once a month, but still my heart is breaking. I don’t want to be the person who forsakes their passions to make a buck. However, I do need to leave this house and have a place of my own and be able to support myself. It’s the worst catch 22 I’ve ever experienced.

Oh life, why do you have to be so complicated?

BEDA

So here's the dealio: people on the interwebz are talking about Blog Every Day in April (BEDA). I'm going to participate. I'm not sure how it will end. Part of me sees a disaster in the forecast, but the other part of me thinks I'm up for the challenge. Stay tuned for another episode of Katy doesn't know what to write about!

Here's to hoping I make my blog posts earlier in the day when my brain isn't so drained!